I need to vent. Last night we were at a dinner party with many people we've known a long time and some we had never met before. A woman I have met only once before (and that was at a funeral) commented on how beautiful the girls are. She then asked me if I was familiar with "Reactive Attachment Disorder" and "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."
"Uhh, yes." I replied. And then--stupidly--I did what I often do when people ask me out-of-the-blue questions that are loaded. I gave her personal information that was none of her business.
"I was researching attachment specialists this afternoon," I shared. And, of course, this prolonged the conversation that I didn't want to have.
"Did you find a good one?" While replying to her question, I was churning inside. "Why is she asking me this? Is she a trained attachment specialist who sees obvious evidence of either of these devestating issues? Or is she someone who read an article in Women's Day about traumatized Romanian orphans? Why am I having such a serious conversation with someone I don't know? What's her point?
I often feel like I am on the receiving end of "unsolicited advice-giving" because surely if I had replied that I didn't know a thing about disordered attachment and PTS she would have regaled me with what she knows.
So, there are a few things going on for me during conversations such as these:
1) my own disturbed perspective that I have to answer unwanted questions, that I need to make the person feel valued and respected
2) my annoyance at people who think they know what's going on or is best for my kids (even if they have never spent one full day with them) This happens nearly daily. A stranger will correct my children's behavior, an acquaintance will tell me how and where they should be educated, a church member will tell me what I should do about their hair....BUT I didn't ask for this information and I am not interested in hearing it. Do they think that I just blindly make decisions for my children or am totally clueless??
3) my own insecurities that the stranger might indeed be right.
So, I ask myself, "How ought a real Christian respond?"
The first thing that comes to mind is that I ought to be respectful, concise, and I could do what Jesus often did, ask them a question instead of answering theirs. The adoption literature says that it's fair to respond with, "What makes you ask?" to bizarre questions.
Yet, sometimes I don't want to ask them anything or continue the conversation.
So, today, I am going to start a new strategy. If someone asks me a question that I feel is out of line I am going to turn the conversation off by saying, "That's not something we talk about outside our family."
And for all the people who provide unwanted advice on their behaviour, grooming, education, sports, etc. I am going to say, "Well, that's a decision we made/will make based on everything we know about what's best for our children."
I feel so annoyed when complete strangers ask me about the children's parents. That happened, too, last night. "Do you know what happened to their real parents?" A lady asked.
"Um, we are their real parents. Do you mean their Ethiopian parents?"
"Yes, that's what I meant. They're biological parents."
"Yes, we do," I answered. And she looked at me to give her more information but I just looked into her eyes daring her to ask another personal question.
UUGHHH why do people think that questions like these are okay to ask?
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2 comments:
First, I want to say your girls are beautiful! Second, I want to say that I love reading your blog because you are so honest and open. Next, I want to tell you that in my 19 years of parenting, unsolicited advice and insensitive comments are other people's way of validating that they are experts in something. Since I know I am doing the best I can, I always just validate what they say with "uh,hum..interesting, I will have to try that sometime, etc." That shuts them up and you can walk away, roll your eyes, never ask them out for coffee and take your beautiful girls home and raise them however you want! It's actually quite liberating! I learned it after endlessly justifying my actions and getting into debates that led to nothing. You have nothing to prove...just nod and smile. You are doing a wonderful job and you have inspired me and others, which is probably more than people like that do in a lifetime!
I know what your saying, and our girl isn't even home yet! I went for a facial, and the woman giving it asked if anything special was happening in my life. I told her we were adopting, so she started asking dozens of questions, while I had my face covered in who knows what. She even had the nerve to ask if B's mother had HIV. I'd never even met the woman doing the facial before! I was so mad, and didn't get the relaxation I was hoping the facial would bring.. I don't know where people get the idea that they have this right to personal information.. I always think of the smart comebacks way too late... I need to write some down and have some practice conversations, till it comes naturally!
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